My Story...

My testimony, like any and every testimony of God, is a humbling story of grace and love. I knew I needed to be saved when I was just a kid after experiencing conviction for the first time. The speaker talked about how much we needed salvation, how urgent it was to accept it, so I did just that. Admitted, believed, and confessed my way into eternal life, or so I was told. In all honesty though, I really didn't understand what it meant to give my life to Jesus. I didn't realize what salvation truly was. I think that was a sincere decision for what an eight-year-old could understand, but I never experience true change in my heart.

I lived my teenage years trying my best to be a good girl, avoiding sin, doing all the right "things" all in my own strength. I went to church. I read my Bible. I prayed...well, at least every now and then. My understanding of the gospel looked like just choosing the Jesus route and doing what I thought was required of me to please God simply because I was supposed to. So many things in my life were wrong, but I couldn't even recognize it simply because my heart wasn't truly aligned with God. Going into college with that kind of lifestyle is like playing on a hill after an ice storm...in roller skates! I was bound to fall. Looking back on where I was then makes me even more grateful now that God pursues us, even and especially in our darkest seasons.

I experienced a lot of anxiety. At the time, I didn't know that's what it was, but I knew something wasn't right. My anxiety was rooted in the fear of not having control over my life, or rather, my own distrust in God. My schoolwork took all of my energy, even when I had no more to give. The wrong relationship became burden that I thought I had to fix, when in reality, my heart was in no place to even be in one. I had sin in my life that I was trying my best to control but failed time and time again. I felt like the entire world depended on me, and if I didn't come through, everything would come crashing down around me. If I were to paint a picture of what life was like for me during that season, I'd paint a picture of a clenched fist with white knuckles, holding onto water that's slipping through the fingers.

I remember the first moment of many when the Spirit led me to seek God, to surrender myself, and to give up the control. Walker, who was just a friend at the time, was actually preaching one night at Wesley, a Christian ministry on campus. He spoke about not knowing what was next for him after graduation, saying that he was just trusting God to lead him in the next season. Just let Him lead you? That seemed impossible. I knew that the Bible said to trust God. I knew that in my head, but I just could not understand how to feel trust in my heart. I began reaching out, asking questions, seeking God, and Walker walked with me as a mentor. (Sidenote: how sweet it is to think back to that season when I had no idea that Walker was my future husband.)

During that season, I experience a lot of change. God pulled me out of my self-inflicted anxiety. He taught me about what it looked like to trust Him, so much so that I changed my major to pursue what I felt was a calling on my life. I got involved in my campus ministry. I did things that were far out of my comfort zone. God was moving in my heart and in my life, and that truly was only the beginning.

Still battling temptations in my life, I reached a point where I couldn't continue both seeking God and living in sin. I had to surrender all. Then, God graciously revealed Himself to me and everything changed. I realized that I was not living a life in the Spirit, and I had never truly surrendered my life fully to Him. That moment, alone in my room at college, something so amazing happened that I could never describe it in perfect words, but it was like the veil had been removed from my eyes. I had always heard "I'm a sinner in need of saving," and for the first time, that statement actually meant something to me. In that moment, everything made sense. I made a commitment to God that night, He gave me His promise of the Holy Spirit, and I've never looked back.

That one moment changed everything. I saw the world differently. I saw the reality of sin. I saw the truth of God's plan for me amidst my own doubt and confusion. Then, my life drastically changed! He brought me out of the life that I had planned out for myself and called me into His perfect will. He took my heart full of worldly desires and replaced it with His own desires. He led me to a church that discipled me in my new faith and prepared me to disciple others. He brought me into a godly relationship that honored and served Him. He has given me opportunity after opportunity to be used as a vessel for Him...

And somehow, here I am.